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Melissa Wants You To See Abilities
I have gotten to know Melissa these past few months through my work with the Cincinnati ReelAbilities Film Festival. She is a volunteer whose leadership and passion is greatly furthering the cause of our Festival whose goals are for people to change the way they perceive difference, to break down communication barriers, and to build a more welcoming, inclusive community.
I wanted to introduce Melissa to you and share some of her story.
Melissa graduated with honors from Wright State University with a Bachelor of Science in Business in 2000 and graduated in 2016 from the University of Phoenix with a Master of Information Systems. From being a career woman with Hewlett Packard Enterprises as an asset manager in the USPS Division to a single mother of her daughter, Claudia, she strives to reach the high goals she has set for herself. She never allows anyone to tell her she “can’t” do something; she figures out how to achieve it.
Spinal Muscular Atrophy, which has caused her to use a wheelchair for mobility, has also been a driving force for much of her volunteer work. In her free time, Melissa serves on the National Board of Directors for Cure SMA, assists her daughter’s school with administrative and fundraising tasks, assists her MDA office with Summer Camp, speaks at many events to advocate for the rights of people with disabilities. She is also the chair of the Accommodations Committee for the 2017 Cincinnati ReelAbilities Film Festival as well as a Film Reviewer.
Lisa: You are Ms. Wheelchair Ohio 2005 (MWO) and 3rd Runner Up Ms. Wheelchair America 2006. What has that experience meant to you and why is that Pageant important?
Melissa: Although I am no longer involved with the Ms. Wheelchair Ohio/America program, my time in the program was spent focused on helping other young girls and women with disabilities realize whatever dreams they have are in reach. I am a firm believer that the only limitations in life are the ones you place upon yourself. When I was MWO 2005 and ran the MWO program, I was an advocate of promoting the idea that these women were successfully living lives despite the need for a wheelchair for their day to day mobility. Society has a habit of seeing a person in a wheelchair as someone who cannot possibly be living a ‘normal’ life and that is something I wanted to change, even if just on a minor change, with the MWO program.
Lisa: You are so passionate about being involved with Cincinnati ReelAbilities. Why is the Festival important to you and why is it important that the community participate in and support it?
Melissa: When Susan Brownknight (executive director of LADD, Inc.) and Molly Lyons (LADD, Inc. director of development and external relations) first approached me about becoming involved in the ReelAbilities Festival, I was skeptical about becoming involved at first. Because I was so used to programs that were ‘feel good’ programs, I did not want to support another program that promoted the idea of able-bodied people doing ‘good’ for the disabled community and getting a pat on the back. To my surprise, they explained that ReelAbilities was actually the opposite of that so I was onboard.
The Festival itself and the message it promotes is important to me because mainstream media tends to promote the idea that people with disabilities need pity, are living lives not worth living, or are a drain on their families. For example, in the film/book ‘You Before Me’, the message was spread that death is better than living with a disability. The Cincinnati ReelAbilities Festival has films from all spectrums of disabilities and promotes people living their lives doing very ‘normal’ things despite having a disability. Now, don’t get me wrong, having a disability is challenging and even frustrating at times; however, I believe I can do anything I want to do, I just may need to do it differently.
Lisa: What is one of your greatest satisfactions of being a mother?
Melissa: My daughter is the sunshine of my life and I am thankful for her every day. Although I was unsure how a pregnancy would turn out, I knew I wanted to be a mother so I did everything possible to bring her into the world as healthy as possible. She ended up coming into the world 9 weeks early but you certainly couldn’t tell it today. She’s a happy, healthy, smart, sassy almost 10 year old and one of my greatest satisfactions is being able to watch her grow into a young lady while trying to teach her what she needs to know along the way. I love my career but my true, most rewarding job is raising my daughter and having her is the best decision I ever made.
Lisa: Who is someone who has great impacted your life and how?
Melissa: Being Catholic, my faith is extremely important to me and that faith was something instilled in me as a child from my Mother. She always taught me to have faith that God would see us through whatever challenge we were facing and, as an adult, I am very thankful to her for this. In fact, I am following her lead and raising my daughter with that same faith in God.
Lisa: What is an obstacle that you have overcome and how has that strengthened you?
Melissa: It is hard to choose one obstacle in my life that I have had to overcome because my whole life has been full of them. From teachers in school thinking that my mind didn’t work because my legs didn’t work to co-workers thinking I was given my job to fulfill a percentage of hiring obligation, my life has been a constant circle of proving myself to others. Although it can be exhausting at times, it has also taught me to just be who I am and do what I need to do regardless of what others may think of me. It has also given me patience to raise a very spirited, wonderful child.
My Furry Valentine Led By Passionate Animal Lovers
To organize a MEGA animal adoption event that finds homes for some 800+ animals, it takes a MEGA crew of hard working volunteers to make it happen. That event is the My Furry Valentine, our region’s largest adoption event that finds homes for pets from about 35 different rescue groups. And two names I want to recognize with that event are Carolyn Evans of PhoDOGrapher and Jennifer Grimmett.
Carolyn, and her pet photography business, is host and founder of My Furry Valentine. She is also someone with a HUGE heart for animals…and people. She has captured the spirits of furry friends for more than a decade; and her photographs have helped many animals find forever homes. Caroline is an ardent supporter of the No-Kill movement, the Board Secretary of HeARTs Speak, a united group of artists united to break down the myth that animals from rescues and shelters are inferior, and the Board President of My Furry Valentine.
Jennifer Grimmett is an assistant principal for an online high school; and serves as My Furry Valentine’s volunteer coordinator. It is Jennifer’s role to recruit, coordinate and manage about 265 volunteers for the two day event. It is a non-paid position that has required dozens of hours, and has even gotten her family including her children involved.
Spending that kind of time on anything generally takes someone driven by passion…something both Caroline and Jennifer have. You can read more about Carolyn in my past interview here.
Jennifer told me she has always loved animals. It is something shared by her entire family including her husband, Mike, and two daughters, Michael and Audrey. All three of their cats and their Pug, Finn, are all rescues. Finn came into their lives via a Columbus prison rehabilitation program for dogs, and is every bit a ‘mama’s dog,’ going most places Jennifer goes.
While she has spent so many hours communicating with people online or over the telephone, Thursday will be a big night as all volunteers will congregate for a big orientation meeting prior to the event. “I really can’t wait until our big volunteer meeting this Thursday before the event. It will be my first time meeting everyone in person. It will be the only time when everyone is in one room together. I think it will be amazing to share that positive energy with everyone,” Jennifer told me.
NOTE: If you are planning on attending to find your new friend, please read my adoptions considerations in my pet behavior blog at www.SoMuchPETential.com.
About My Furry Valentine
This year’s Main Event will again be held at the Sharonville Convention Center (11355 Chester Road; 45246) and will feature hundreds of adoptable pets (dogs, cats, puppies, kittens and other small critters) from dozens of different rescue and shelter groups from around the Greater Cincinnati area. Every pet adopted from our Main Event will go home with swag and adopters can enter to win one an adopter raffle basket.
As a courtesy to the adoptable animals already on site as well as for the safety and well-being of guests, owned pets are not allowed at the event. If you’d like to schedule a meet-and-greet between your current pet and a potential adoptee, My Furry Valentine suggests you contact that rescue or shelter directly.
If you are unable to attend the MFV Main Event, be sure to check out the many participating locations throughout the city. Satellite events are hosted throughout Greater Cincinnati by My Furry Valentine participating rescues and shelters. You can find a list on the My Furry Valentine website.
Early Bird Entry, Saturday: 10am – 12pm
Saturday, February 11th, 12pm – 6pm
Sunday, February 12th, 10am – 5pm
General Admission: $5 per person, ages 5 and up
Early Bird Admission: $25 for 1, $40 for a pair, children 17 and under free when accompanying an adult.
In my So Much PETential pet behavior blog, I wrote about some considerations to keep in mind BEFORE you go. Please click here to read them.
Disability Does Not Define John
Through my work promoting the Cincinnati ReelAbilities Film Festival, I have gotten to know some pretty amazing people who have impacted me in very meaningful ways. Actor John Lawson is among them. I met and got to know John when I was promoting the 2015 Festival. He was a volunteer and a spokesperson with whom I spent a lot of time. Now living in the Los Angeles area for his acting, John is coming back to Cincinnati to join us next month as one of our 2017 Festival VIPs.
What I remember so much about my time with him two years ago was how John could make me laugh, but also, John is an incredible listener, an encourager and a leader. He went out of his way to let me know my work and contributions were valued, and he did that with everyone I saw him come in contact with. At our Film Festival, he spoke with eloquence and humor in spreading our message. He included people. He inspired not because he is someone who has a disability but because of who he is as a human being.
Below are two different posts John had written on his Facebook page awhile back (I am reprinting with his permission) about his story. Since they had some duplication, I cut out part of the second post. I hope that you will take a few minutes to read his words. They just may change the way you see and think about difference.
John Lawson’s Story (in his own words)
Feb 4, 2015
Wow, 28 years ago today February 4, 1987 is the day that I truly will never forget. I guess the cynical smart-ass side of me wants to write that I’ll never be able to forget for there is always someone coming up wanting to know how I lost my arms or who are very quick to remind me how “lucky” I am to be alive. I don’t know that I agree with their assessment of a measure of luck apportioned to me. I started playing the piano at age three, then began lessons at age four and studied classical piano for 17 straight years. At age 30, I had spent over half my life learning to play piano and now would spend the rest of my life without hands. That doesn’t sound very lucky.
I have been lucky to raise three wonderful, smart and somewhat “well adjusted” kids (hey I was their Dad) and had the very lucky chance to marry the love-of-my-life. Unluckily, the cancer won and I lost her too.
I spent five months of my life at the North Carolina Jaycee Burn Center in Chapel Hill North Carolina. My left hand and most of my arm below my elbow was amputated that day. My right hand was amputated above the wrist approximately one month later. As the burned skin debridement surgeries stopped and drugs wore off, I assumed a new role I never wanted to audition for as an upper extremity double amputee; a man with no hands left only to watch others play music.
While at the Burn Center, I received the best-specialized medical burn care from some of the world’s leading doctors and nurses. It was there that I decided to do my best to recover all aspects of my life. It was explained that losing limbs is similar to losing a loved one and you should experience the same emotions. While at the hospital, I never felt that I went through all the steps normally associated with a life changing experience such as my accident. If I did, I did them in my sleep, because from early on I realized I had to unconditionally accept my new role. I did find out, that since I never displayed the emotions expected, the psychiatrists that visited my room over the months noted in my chart that I was a “classic case of denial, and would suffer a catastrophic mental breakdown with in five years.”
Again, wow; twenty-eight years gone by and I’m still waiting for that mental breakdown. I think I would enjoy the time off.
Probably the most helpful wisdom I received after my amputations was by an unknown author, but passed on by my mother, “No one ever finds life worth living—you have to make it worth living.”
I am not special in the things I have done, with the conditions I have to deal with to do them. I could not control the circumstances that burned my body and resulted in the amputation of both my hands, but I can control what happens after the flesh has healed. I can control my attitude.
Early in my acting career, someone gave me a coffee mug with a saying printed on the outside, “Life is not a dress rehearsal.”
Those six words carry a powerful meaning. We only get to do this once and no matter what or where our stage, this is our one and only performance. I do not know what roles in life I will have to play in the years ahead, but I do know I will always chug along with the same attitude as the little blue engine pulling the long heavy train in the book read by my mother to me so many times as a child, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”
Jan 10, 2017
I need to say I am not here to inspire you. I have lost count of strangers that approach me in public while grocery shopping or pumping gas to tell me that I am an inspiration. I guess they mean well, but to me they are just congratulating me for remembering to put on my pants before I left the house. There is nothing inspirational about pumping gas or grabbing a can of green beans off the shelf. You have been lied to about life with a disability.
Most people believe that because you have a disability that your life is worse; that being a person with a disability is a bad thing and that if you live with the disability, it makes you exceptional. Living with a disability is not a bad thing and it certainly doesn’t make you exceptional or inspirational.
Life as a person with disabilities can be difficult and we do have to overcome some things. But it’s not the things that you may think. It’s not the things to do with our bodies that we have to overcome. I believe that disability is caused by the way society is structured, rather than by a person’s impairment or difference. If society looks at ways of removing barriers that restrict life choices for people with disabilities, then disabled people can be independent and equal in society, with choice and control over their own lives. Of course I’m in a profession where the industry creates barriers that 95% of the work for characters with a disability are given to an able body actor. It’s these societal barriers of the industry that restrict the choices and control of my career.
So February 4, 2017 I will start using prosthetics for longer than I had my hands. Half of my life wearing hooks. Do they replace my hands? No, but they are a tool I’m forced to use for maintaining my independence in a society designed for able body people; a tool for me to pump gas or load my grocery cart. I’ve learned to use my prosthetics to best of my ability, so I know when people tell me “I’m an inspiration,” that they mean it as a compliment. I do understand that, but the reason it happens is because of this lie that’s been sold to the public that disability makes you exceptional and makes you inspirational. I’m sorry; but honestly, it doesn’t. I really believe that this propaganda that we’ve been sold is the greatest injustice and makes life hard for us.
Oh, and that quote about “the only disability in life is a bad attitude,” is total bullshit. It’s just not true. No amount of me smiling at a piano keyboard with a positive attitude will allow me to play as I used to touch the ivories with ten fingers.
I hope in my lifetime to live in a society where someone with a disability is not the exception, but just accepted as a norm. I hope to live in a society where a man stuffing a grocery cart is not an inspiration just because he is using prosthetics. I want to live in a society where we don’t have such low expectations of people with disabilities that we hire able body people to do jobs they are capable of performing. I hope in my lifetime to live in a society where we place value on genuine achievement by people with disabilities.
What Disability Taught Kate
I am so fortunate that my work allows me the opportunity to get to know some incredible people who are so passionate about their cause. Kate Lopez is definitely among them. She and I met when I coordinated the marketing/public relations for the 2015 Cincinnati ReelAbilities Film Festival organized by LADD, Inc. and we are working together again on the 2017 Festival. Kate is such a joy to be around. On a big event, with so many missing pieces, it is great to be working with someone like her who takes initiative and does what it takes to get the job done and done well. And with a smile on her face! For this Festival, Kate is an instrumental member of our team and the amazing thing is she is doing it while living temporarily with her family in Nashville, Tennessee. She commutes back and forth frequently.
Something I didn’t realize until recently about Kate is that her passion for this work stems from her own disability. It was because of Krohn’s Disease that, at the age of 14, she underwent a 9 ½ hour surgery to remove her large intestine. It was the procedure that altered her life forever, not because of the loss of her organ, but because the over pressurization of her muscles from having her legs in one position for that long caused something called compartment syndrome. In other words, she lost most of the muscles in her lower legs.
For a teenage girl who was the star of her volleyball team, and an overall competitive athlete, that sudden change was not easy…even more so at such a sensitive period in a girl’s life.
“It was definitely identity changing but I had a supportive family and friends who gave me the power to turn my life into something,” she told me. “I wear braces most of the time but people don’t know I have a disability. I can’t run and be as active as I want to be but I try to do as much as I can.”
Below are Kate’s answers to my questions.
Lisa: Because of your early experience, you are now professionally helping others as you were helped.
Kate: I was a sophomore in high school when I began volunteering at the Drake Center, where I also participated in physical therapy. My parents didn’t think I would be able to drive again but I learned how to drive with hand controls at Drake Hospital. That combination of Drake’s impact on other people as well as my own life really is what influenced my career choice. I am a therapist now with a specialty in teaching people to drive with adaptations, if it is safe to drive. I want people to see that there is a way to live fully with a disability.
Lisa: What is a life lesson you learned from your surgery?
Kate: I learned life is more fragile than you think when you are a teenager but also that it isn’t just your body that can be strong. Your mind is what is stronger. It made me fierce in making me want to be independent and to make as much of a difference in the world as I can. I also learned that life doesn’t have to be what you expect. I keep learning that with each patient and each interaction.
It has made me more thankful for the people I have around me. I feel like I am not as alone as I may think because of my support system and that makes me want to be that support system for others. I don’t let anything hold me back – I travel extensively, I scuba dive and mountain climb. I do physical things, I just do them in an adaptive way now.
Lisa: How did you become involved with ReelAbilities?
Kate: I went to the first Cincinnati ReelAbilities Film Festival, then co-chaired the Veterans Committee of the 2015 Film Festival. The stories just meant so much to me. I don’t think I’d want to stray from them, as it is a connection with others who share my same passion. One of the best things that happened from my involvement was when I was talking to a friend who has a daughter with Spina Bifida. She shared how someone came up to her at ReelAbilities and said she doesn’t recognize anybody. That was the biggest compliment of the Festival because it demonstrated that we are reaching people who are not normally sought.
Lisa: You have define disability differently. Can you explain?
Kate: To me, I see a disability as something that would limit an aspect of life. An impairment, however, is something that is different and something is not working as well. Disability impacts your participating in life. Sometimes I am just in the impairment phase. One of the biggest things about wearing braces is finding shoes that I like but I’ve got it down to a science to find shoes I like and adapt them and make it work. I will not let the impairment get in the way.
Lisa: You have a seven year old son. What do you teach im about disabilities?
Kate: My son is around a lot of people with disabilities through my work, experience, and friends. I try to lead by example and don’t make difference as noticeable. He calls my braces my shoes. He just thinks some people have differences and others don’t. When it comes to kids struggling, I teach him to be more helpful and patient. When it comes to physical difference, I’m not sure he even notices. I just make it part of the package of the real world. We really are all the same on the inside and that is what matters most.
Absolutely, Kate, that IS what matters most!
Grace Shares Life Lessons
Today I have such great pleasure in sharing the story of a very dear person and friend. Grace DeGregorio has been editing Hyde Park Living for 20 years. And, for about 15 or 16 of those years I have been writing a pet behavior column for her. I love that my work brings such incredible people into my life. Grace is such a positive soul. She too loves what she does for the connections it has brought her and the personal stories she has been able to share. Now the tables are turned and I get to share Grace’s story. I so much appreciate her openness in talking about a part of her and her family that is deeply personal, and how that experience has touched and impacted her perspective on life and relationships.
Lisa: So many people (including me) know and admire you in Cincinnati. We’d love to learn more about you.
Grace: I was born and raised in Massachusetts. I earned my bachelor’s in psychology at Emmanuel College in Boston, a private liberal arts school, and my master’s in vocational rehabilitation counseling at Boston University. I worked several years at Harvard Medical School as an assistant to the registrar before my marriage to Edmonde DeGregorio, whom I met when he was a law student in Boston. He was from Cincinnati, where we moved after our wedding 39 years ago. I worked for 10 years as manager of a social service program, helping people with disabilities become employed. When our sons Anthony and Joe were born, I left to become a full-time mom. As they were starting school, I was given the opportunity to write for Community Publications, Inc., and soon after was named editor of Hyde Park Living – I’m still there 20 years later! Almost four years ago I also began a freelance position as publicity coordinator with Matinée Musicale, a nonprofit organization that hosts an annual recital series.
In my personal life, my main passion is doing things with my family. We have a timeshare condo on Longboat Key, Florida, where we visit twice a year. Edmonde is a model train enthusiast, and we go to his train club events and train shows. We shared numerous activities with our sons as they were growing up (more on that later!) In 2014, Joe brought his wonderful wife Kristina into our family, and on June 15, 2016 our joy was magnified when their daughter Giuliana Lynne arrived. I LOVE being a grandma!!! I also love reading (bios/autobios and history are my favorite topics), crafts (knitting/crocheting and cross-stitching), watching sports and traveling.
Lisa: As editor of Hyde Park Living, you have shared so much wonderful news and stories. What do you enjoy most about your job and have there been any stories that have really touched you?
Grace: I always loved to write and once considered studying journalism. So I guess it was meant to be! As my sons were young at the time, I was delighted to have a job that allowed me to work from home and make my own schedule, and I loved the creativity it afforded me. I still love those aspects of my job. But what I love even more is meeting interesting, accomplished people who constantly teach me. Their stories are memorable – and humbling: a teenager who convinced businesses to participate in a shoe drive for a charity; a family that discovered their dad was a war hero when asked to accept a posthumous award on his behalf; a person who survived multiple bouts with cancer while still managing a thriving small business; senior adults who meet weekly to sew quilts for hospitals; very busy professionals who volunteer many hours visiting schools to mentor and encourage students. These are just a few of countless stories we’ve told.
My favorite story? I got a call one day from a woman who started our conversation with, “I don’t know if this is a story, but…,” prompting me to pay close attention. She went on to tell me her inspiring personal odyssey discovering her heritage that took her several years and through several states, then all the way to Europe. Her story, which started with her being plagued with gross misinformation and so many questions and apprehensions, ended with great joy as new relationships began and she gained a clearer sense of who she was and where she came from. By far, this story received the most reaction from readers. Stories like this enrich all our lives, and I’m so blessed to be able to help share them.
Lisa: You so often talk about your family. Share some thoughts about them and their importance in your life.
Grace: In the 1980s Edmonde and I experienced three excruciating years of heartbreaking pregnancy losses: two miscarriages and a full-term baby delivered stillborn. We were told there was no connection between the losses and no medical reason pointing to why it was happening – the diagnosis was “bad luck.” We also were told in situations like ours it was regrettably common that couples move apart. But we remained totally solid in our commitment to each other and to becoming a family. We joined a peer support group, Reach Out to Grieving Parents, which helped us onto the path of healing. We applied for an adoption which, at the time, was a painstakingly slow process. I got pregnant again. On August 2, 1988 Anthony was born; Joe followed on April 12, 1990. We got a call from the adoption agency when it was time for our home study, and we let them know we had become parents. We became volunteers with Reach Out and continue 30 years later, doing all we can to help others onto their paths of healing.
We have never taken for granted our sons or our relationship with them. It was our greatest pleasure to devote ourselves to them as they were growing up. It annoyed us to hear other parents whine about getting no sleep at night because the baby cried – we remembered getting no sleep at night because of the silence after our baby died; or about having to drive the child to activities – we scheduled our lives around activities we once feared we’d never experience. And, boy, did we experience! As kids, our sons played sports and took piano lessons. I was active in their schools and Edmonde arranged frequently to be at school events most dads sadly missed. During their high school years, I was active in so many groups one day a teacher said to me, “Why don’t we set up a little room for you where you can take a nap while you’re here?!” We were in the stands for the boys’ football games; lugged heavy instruments when Anthony was in the band; froze at Joe’s hockey games and at the stadium in Canton when he was a wide receiver on the football team that won State in 2007; attended numerous parent meetings and events. In college years, we drove to Dayton for Anthony’s concerts (he majored in music) and for parties Joe and his friends threw during parent weekends (he majored in communication). Every minute we spent with or for them, and every memory we made, we treasure.
Our sons are now adults, and our relationships with them remain close, warm and honest. They both work hard at their jobs, have friends and personal interests. Joe is married and is a wonderful husband and dad. Anthony has dated a lovely young lady for two years. Edmonde and I are so proud of them and what they are accomplishing.
Lisa: What is one of your greatest life lessons?
Grace: When our babies died, we learned to put things in perspective. It’s so easy to get caught up with and react to everyday stresses that seem overwhelming. You don’t know what overwhelming is until you are faced with something you are helpless to change, something you never dreamed could happen and becomes your worst nightmare, something that saps every ounce of emotion out of you and leaves you feeling totally vulnerable. While we’re not perfect, we do find we are better able to weigh the relativity of life experiences – things that once might have bent us out of shape we find we can handle better. Also, because of our experience, we find we’re more compassionate and tolerant of others. You never know why someone is in a nasty mood – there may be something terrible they’re dealing with. It’s easier to make allowances and be forgiving.
Lisa: What is something that people may be surprised to learn about you?
Grace: I used to study Middle Eastern (translation: belly) dancing! I started with a friend in Boston and continued for a few years with my sister-in-law when I moved here. I now take Pilates, and my “muscle memory” from those dancing days has thankfully returned as Pilates requires a lot of core strength!
Lisa: What is something which you are looking forward to in 2017?
Grace: We are so excited to watch Giuliana grow. Our plans are for the whole family to go to our condo in Florida this summer, and we can’t wait to introduce her to the beautiful Gulf water and the beach, maybe take her on a boat ride and just show her off to our friends at our resort! Everything is new and exciting when you’re with a little one.
