Bringing Hope to Parents When Their Lives Collapse

Written by Sue Schindler

It’s the nightmare of every parent to have the police knocking on your door-or-making that call, in the middle of the night. It’s watching your child succumb to a life-threatening illness, when you were confident that they would defeat it. It’s surreal walking in your child’s room and realizing that instead of sleeping, they have no pulse or response. It’s packing up the nursery and closing its door, as your baby is not coming home. It’s now living in a world that you never thought would happen to you, because it only happens to “other” parents.

Where does someone go after the loss of your child? The terror of having your child die is one that The Compassionate Friends, or TCF, know all too well. This is a group of survivors who share their stories of hope, grief and getting through. It’s not easy and not for the faint of heart. With love, support, courage and listening to stories, long-time members provide proof that life can be meaningful after the most devastating loss of all- the loss of a young, teen or adult child.

Karen Pinsky is one of three co-leaders at the Tri-County or Springdale’s The Compassionate Friends. Karen says that she “stumbled into the first 14 years” of leadership along with previous newsletter editor title.”  Her original intent was to be in this position for 2 years. She and two other parents began the Tri-County chapter 4 years ago, as the need for another chapter presented itself. Members know Karen as the one who has met them at 11:00 PM to talk about their children. She’s also the one whose helped them get away from harmful or toxic relationships. Karen urges parents to take control of holidays, their children’s birthdays and death anniversaries. Get rid of the “shoulds” and do what’s best for you. You didn’t get a vote this would happen to your child.”

Currently, there are three TCF groups in the Cincinnati area: North, East (Lindsay Bibler,leader) West (Michael Urbisci, leader) Along with Karen’s co-leaders, Ed VonBargen and Michael Rapp, warm smiles, words of welcome and a very comforting demeanor to new members and those returning are offered each first Tuesday of the month from 7-9:00 PM at the North Chapter. Michael points out to the group of tonight’s 15 members, that parents from all different backgrounds and ages attend this group. Some spouses come together while others arrive single. Everyone grieves differently. Ed reads a list of TCF expectations. Confidentiality is a must.

TCF meetings offer a safe place where parents, grandparents and siblings can share stories about their loved one. Words can hurt, especially when grief is new and raw. Members find that family or friends can become impatient that they are not over the grief, while others might severe ties out of not knowing what to say. Parents talk about these hurts while also sharing stories about their children. “It’s helpful to know that you will see people in all stages of grieving.” Karen has witnessed many members transition from the anger of loss to rebuilding productive and even joyful lives. Members with more years of child loss, often stay in the group for years to support the newer members. Later in the meeting, a new member comments, “I’ve never had anyone I can talk to, before attending this group.” Others agree.

According to TCF Web site,“The mission of The Compassionate Friends: When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist the grieving family.”

Started over 40 years ago in England, “The Compassionate Friends was established in the United States and incorporated in 1978 in Illinois. Each chapter, along with the supporting National Office, is committed to helping every bereaved parent, sibling, or grandparent who may walk through our doors or contact us.” It is not religion-based.

“Our goal is to have HOPE.” “We share something so profound, that we become a family,” says Karen of this group. “We share what has helped us. We don’t need to tell people what they need to do.” People are not coming for miracles or time- tables for getting over grief.” We “never feel OK” with the loss of our child, but “life does get better.” “No one is expected to talk or share. Members can sit and listen if they want.” As Karen puts it, “You can come back from the depths of Hell.”

Karen’s son, Eric, died in a single car accident 22 years ago at the age of 23. His future was bright as he graduated in only three years from the University of Michigan’s Honors College and was on his way to becoming an attorney. Eric entered Duke University’s Master’s in International Law program on scholarship and arrived before classes started in mid-August 1996. Although receiving another scholarship offer from his dream college, University of Berkeley California after enrolling at Duke, Eric already called Durham, North Carolina his home.

It was 4:00 AM on January 8, 1997, when Karen heard the knock on her door. She had fallen asleep in the family room and was oblivious as to why a police officer was at her home. Although Eric’s accident happened over four- & one-half hours earlier, Durham police were first asked to wait until 9:00 AM before putting through “the call” to local police.  Being a parent himself, the Durham police officer knew that Karen and Mike Pinsky needed this information sooner than later and defied orders, finally placing the call at 4am.

Unlike most parents, Karen’s experiences as a Registered Nurse at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital and a private pediatric office, exposed her to seeing other children die. Even so, she was not prepared when it happened to her family. Still in shock, Karen and Mike made travel arrangements to Durham while also planning a Celebration of Eric’s life and notifying family and friends of the unimaginable. Upon arrival, the family grappled with the funeral home staff’s “sales mentality” and postponement of viewing Eric’s body for hours upon hours.

Fortunately, family support and the support of friends helped especially during the early days of Eric’s death. Karen’s brother surprised her by flying in from another city to meet her family at the Durham airport. Duke University administration offered a free stay at the Duke University Inn. Duke’s students and staff wanted to have a memorial for Eric. Karen comments on how speechless she was with the huge impact that Eric’s life had on the other students and staff during such a short time. Eric’s University of Michigan’s roommate, who moved to New Jersey, came for the Celebration along with 400 family and friends. Fred Cook, Karen’s former Cincinnati Children’s Chaplain performed the ceremony.

Returning to Cincinnati, Karen shares that she was an emotional and physical “mess.” Her pediatric office co-workers stepped in for 3-4-months to give Karen time off to grieve. That doesn’t mean that she was “over” Eric’s death. Karen talks about a national survey asking how long it takes to get over the death of a loved one. The average response was 3 weeks. No one recognizes the deep pain and hole in the heart that the death of a child creates, unless they have also experienced.

Karen found online help before attending her first TCF meeting. “I walked in and saw people laughing. I wanted to leave. For the first 3-4 meetings, I sobbed. On the way into a meeting I said to Mike, “If our house burns down, all proof of our child is gone!”  She felt enormous comfort when, during the meeting, another father expressed the exact same concern- proving Karen & Mike were in the right place.

What Karen didn’t realize is that people in TCF are in different years of loss. TCF meetings provide families and individuals of what it might look like down the years of loss. One- minute group members might be laughing, at other times, there is a much more serious tone She’s been astounded with the grit and resiliency of families and remembers in detail about attending her first National TCF Conference. Although the keynote speakers lost 5 children, “they were as giving as possible to others.”

Ways to Support Those in Grief

When I asked Karen for suggestions on how people can best support in grief, she said that the biggest misconception is that when it appears that people are moving on with their lives, that’s when the realization of the death is sinking in. You may see them as more talkative or back to their normal selves. In reality, it’s just hitting them that their child is gone.

Karen expresses frustration with the media’s role in death. “They never retract what is written.” They can say that there is “suspected” distracted driving or alcohol or drug use.” However, that’s not always the case. “I know one family where the daughter’s phone was on the floor after her accident. The media said that there was suspected distracted driving. The father checked her phone records and found that she wasn’t using her phone. Don’t assume that what the media reports are the final truth.

Other tips

1. Be present
2. Listen
3. Don’t try to make it better. You can’t.
4. Don’t compare. Understandably, it hurt to lose your dog, mom, neighbor, grandfather, but you are not an expert on grief.
5. Don’t say to people, “Haven’t you gotten over this yet? Why haven’t you moved on?” If someone is having fun, we don’t ask them to move on. Why is this expected of people in grief?
6. Mention the child by name. Don’t make that child the elephant in the room. Sometimes the parent needs permission talk about their child.
7. The best thing is to say, “I don’t have any idea what to say, but I’m here for you.”

TCF welcome people at all stages of grief & loss and at all 3 locations. Sometimes people may have experienced a loss years ago, but it’s only now come to the surface. Others might feel stigmatized with the way their child died, while others might be uncomfortable with a child’s diagnosis. There is no judgement for any loss or number of months or years in waiting. With TCF, you will find hope and people who know what you are going through.

Besides monthly meetings, TCF North members meet for a 6:30 PM dinner at a local restaurant on the third Thursday of the month. This month is the Blue Goose in Sharonville, Ohio.

Their Annual Fundraiser is open to the public: 2019 “Painting With A Twist” fundraiser!

PRE-REGISTRATION IS REQUIRED by clicking here! 

DATE: Monday, June 17, 2019
TIME: 6:30pm – 8:30pm (Doors open at 6pm)
LOCATION: 6196 Tylersville Rd. / Mason 45040
COST: $40 / person
PICTURE TITLE: Lake Moonrise

Locations, meeting days/times and contacts:

TCF of Cincinnati North 1175

Spring Grove Funeral Home 11285 Princeton Pike Cincinnati Ohio 45246-3701
Email: tcfofcincinnatinorth@gmail.com
Url: http://www.tcfcincinnatinorth.org
Karen: 513- 207-8714 or Ed: 513- 518-9358
7:00 – 8:30 pm 1st Tuesday of each month

Cincinnati Chapter (Westside): 1141 Chapter Number

Mercy Franciscan at West Park 2950 West Park Drive, Cincinnati Ohio 45238
Email: tcfcincywest@yahoo.com
Url: http://www.tcfcincinnatiwest.org
Michael: 513-205-8291
7:00 PM on the 2^nd Wednesday of each month

Greater Cincinnati TCF – East Chapter 1969

8101 Beechmont Avenue, Cincinnati Ohio 45255-3190
Email: tcfcincyeast@gmail.com
Url: http://www.tcfcincy.com
Lindsay: 513- 652-7470
7:00 pm on the 4th Tuesday of each month (except December)