Sue Schindler
Music Unites Students At Princeton
If you found a place where everyone welcomed and included you for who you are, would you want to go there?
These are the first words my dear friend Sue Schindler had written for a group of Princeton High School students on the day that I visited – this past Tuesday. It was part of a very special Melodic Connections program called Common Time where people of all kinds of diversity and abilities are brought together to play music, but more importantly, through the process, laughing, sharing, appreciating one another.
Sue (and her husband Bob) worked with Melodic Connections to bring Common Time to Princeton this week as a celebration of what would have been their daughter Katy’s 26th birthday. Katy was a Princeton Viking too. It was a place where she was welcomed and included. Her communication device could have made learning a challenge, but she had the will and persistence (and support from her family, friends and school) to succeed.
She also happened to have been a Melodic Connections’ musician. No matter the song, Katy loved making music. And she loved life.
Sue wrote a personal message that was given to each of the students on Tuesday:
“When remembering Katy, people talk about her infectious smile and laughter, her radiant blue eyes, her persistence, and how she lived life to the fullest. Others talk about her grinning ear-to- ear when hitting a single in baseball, laughing hysterically while trotting on her horse, Poncho, or when stopping in the middle of a rambunctious soccer game to take in the moment. Katy made life exciting and fun.
Today, through Common Time, take joy in the moments, cherish what strengths you bring and connect with others who are new to you. Today is a day to celebrate the best in you! As you leave today . . .
What will you do to challenge yourself and make your life more exciting and fun?”
Bringing Hope to Parents When Their Lives Collapse
Written by Sue Schindler
It’s the nightmare of every parent to have the police knocking on your door-or-making that call, in the middle of the night. It’s watching your child succumb to a life-threatening illness, when you were confident that they would defeat it. It’s surreal walking in your child’s room and realizing that instead of sleeping, they have no pulse or response. It’s packing up the nursery and closing its door, as your baby is not coming home. It’s now living in a world 
that you never thought would happen to you, because it only happens to “other” parents.
Where does someone go after the loss of your child? The terror of having your child die is one that The Compassionate Friends, or TCF, know all too well. This is a group of survivors who share their stories of hope, grief and getting through. It’s not easy and not for the faint of heart. With love, support, courage and listening to stories, long-time members provide proof that life can be meaningful after the most devastating loss of all- the loss of a young, teen or adult child.
Karen Pinsky is one of three co-leaders at the Tri-County or Springdale’s The Compassionate Friends. Karen says that she “stumbled into the first 14 years” of leadership along with previous newsletter editor title.” Her original intent was to be in this position for 2 years. She and two other parents began the Tri-County chapter 4 years ago, as the need for another chapter presented itself. Members know Karen as the one who has met them at 11:00 PM to talk about their children. She’s also the one whose helped them get away from harmful or toxic relationships. Karen urges parents to take control of holidays, their children’s birthdays and death anniversaries. Get rid of the “shoulds” and do what’s best for you. You didn’t get a vote this would happen to your child.”
Currently, there are three TCF groups in the Cincinnati area: North, East (Lindsay Bibler,leader) West (Michael Urbisci, leader) Along with Karen’s co-leaders, Ed VonBargen and Michael Rapp, warm smiles, words of welcome and a very comforting demeanor to new members and those returning are offered each first Tuesday of the month from 7-9:00 PM at the North Chapter. Michael points out to the group of tonight’s 15 members, that parents from all different backgrounds and ages attend this group. Some spouses come together while others arrive single. Everyone grieves differently. Ed reads a list of TCF expectations. Confidentiality is a must.
TCF meetings offer a safe place where parents, grandparents and siblings can share stories about their loved one. Words can hurt, especially when grief is new and raw. Members find that family or friends can become impatient that they are not over the grief, while others might severe ties out of not knowing what to say. Parents talk about these hurts while also sharing stories about their children. “It’s helpful to know that you will see people in all stages of grieving.” Karen has witnessed many members transition from the anger of loss to rebuilding productive and even joyful lives. Members with more years of child loss, often stay in the group for years to support the newer members. Later in the meeting, a new member comments, “I’ve never had anyone I can talk to, before attending this group.” Others agree.
According to TCF Web site,“The mission of The Compassionate Friends: When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist the grieving family.”
Started over 40 years ago in England, “The Compassionate Friends was established in the United States and incorporated in 1978 in Illinois. Each chapter, along with the supporting National Office, is committed to helping every bereaved parent, sibling, or grandparent who may walk through our doors or contact us.” It is not religion-based.
“Our goal is to have HOPE.” “We share something so profound, that we become a family,” says Karen of this group. “We share what has helped us. We don’t need to tell people what they need to do.” People are not coming for miracles or time- tables for getting over grief.” We “never feel OK” with the loss of our child, but “life does get better.” “No one is expected to talk or share. Members can sit and listen if they want.” As Karen puts it, “You can come back from the depths of Hell.”
Karen’s son, Eric, died in a single car accident 22 years ago at the age of 23. His future was bright as he graduated in only three years from the University of Michigan’s Honors College and was on his way to becoming an attorney. Eric entered Duke University’s Master’s in International Law program on scholarship and arrived before classes started in mid-August 1996. Although receiving another scholarship offer from his dream college, University of Berkeley California after enrolling at Duke, Eric already called Durham, North Carolina his home.
It was 4:00 AM on January 8, 1997, when Karen heard the knock on her door. She had fallen asleep in the family room and was oblivious as to why a police officer was at her home. Although Eric’s accident happened over four- & one-half hours earlier, Durham police were first asked to wait until 9:00 AM before putting through “the call” to local police. Being a parent himself, the Durham police officer knew that Karen and Mike Pinsky needed this information sooner than later and defied orders, finally placing the call at 4am.
Unlike most parents, Karen’s experiences as a Registered Nurse at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital and a private pediatric office, exposed her to seeing other children die. Even so, she was not prepared when it happened to her family. Still in shock, Karen and Mike made travel arrangements to Durham while also planning a Celebration of Eric’s life and notifying family and friends of the unimaginable. Upon arrival, the family grappled with the funeral home staff’s “sales mentality” and postponement of viewing Eric’s body for hours upon hours.
Fortunately, family support and the support of friends helped especially during the early days of Eric’s death. Karen’s brother surprised her by flying in from another city to meet her family at the Durham airport. Duke University administration offered a free stay at the Duke University Inn. Duke’s students and staff wanted to have a memorial for Eric. Karen comments on how speechless she was with the huge impact that Eric’s life had on the other students and staff during such a short time. Eric’s University of Michigan’s roommate, who moved to New Jersey, came for the Celebration along with 400 family and friends. Fred Cook, Karen’s former Cincinnati Children’s Chaplain performed the ceremony.
Returning to Cincinnati, Karen shares that she was an emotional and physical “mess.” Her pediatric office co-workers stepped in for 3-4-months to give Karen time off to grieve. That doesn’t mean that she was “over” Eric’s death. Karen talks about a national survey asking how long it takes to get over the death of a loved one. The average response was 3 weeks. No one recognizes the deep pain and hole in the heart that the death of a child creates, unless they have also experienced.
Karen found online help before attending her first TCF meeting. “I walked in and saw people laughing. I wanted to leave. For the first 3-4 meetings, I sobbed. On the way into a meeting I said to Mike, “If our house burns down, all proof of our child is gone!” She felt enormous comfort when, during the meeting, another father expressed the exact same concern- proving Karen & Mike were in the right place.
What Karen didn’t realize is that people in TCF are in different years of loss. TCF meetings provide families and individuals of what it might look like down the years of loss. One- minute group members might be laughing, at other times, there is a much more serious tone She’s been astounded with the grit and resiliency of families and remembers in detail about attending her first National TCF Conference. Although the keynote speakers lost 5 children, “they were as giving as possible to others.”
Ways to Support Those in Grief
When I asked Karen for suggestions on how people can best support in grief, she said that the biggest misconception is that when it appears that people are moving on with their lives, that’s when the realization of the death is sinking in. You may see them as more talkative or back to their normal selves. In reality, it’s just hitting them that their child is gone.
Karen expresses frustration with the media’s role in death. “They never retract what is written.” They can say that there is “suspected” distracted driving or alcohol or drug use.” However, that’s not always the case. “I know one family where the daughter’s phone was on the floor after her accident. The media said that there was suspected distracted driving. The father checked her phone records and found that she wasn’t using her phone. Don’t assume that what the media reports are the final truth.
Other tips
- Be present
- Listen
- Don’t try to make it better. You can’t.
- Don’t compare. Understandably, it hurt to lose your dog, mom, neighbor, grandfather, but you are not an expert on grief.
- Don’t say to people, “Haven’t you gotten over this yet? Why haven’t you moved on?” If someone is having fun, we don’t ask them to move on. Why is this expected of people in grief?
- Mention the child by name. Don’t make that child the elephant in the room. Sometimes the parent needs permission talk about their child.
- The best thing is to say, “I don’t have any idea what to say, but I’m here for you.”
TCF welcome people at all stages of grief & loss and at all 3 locations. Sometimes people may have experienced a loss years ago, but it’s only now come to the surface. Others might feel stigmatized with the way their child died, while others might be uncomfortable with a child’s diagnosis. There is no judgement for any loss or number of months or years in waiting. With TCF, you will find hope and people who know what you are going through.
Besides monthly meetings, TCF North members meet for a 6:30 PM dinner at a local restaurant on the third Thursday of the month. This month is the Blue Goose in Sharonville, Ohio.
Their Annual Fundraiser is open to the public: 2019 “Painting With A Twist” fundraiser!
PRE-REGISTRATION IS REQUIRED by clicking here!
DATE: Monday, June 17, 2019
TIME: 6:30pm – 8:30pm (Doors open at 6pm)
LOCATION: 6196 Tylersville Rd. / Mason 45040
COST: $40 / person
PICTURE TITLE: Lake Moonrise
Locations, meeting days/times and contacts:
TCF of Cincinnati North 1175
Spring Grove Funeral Home 11285 Princeton Pike Cincinnati Ohio 45246-3701
Email: tcfofcincinnatinorth@gmail.com
Url: http://www.tcfcincinnatinorth.org
Karen: 513- 207-8714 or Ed: 513- 518-9358
7:00 – 8:30 pm 1st Tuesday of each month
Cincinnati Chapter (Westside): 1141 Chapter Number
Mercy Franciscan at West Park 2950 West Park Drive, Cincinnati Ohio 45238
Email: tcfcincywest@yahoo.com
Url: http://www.tcfcincinnatiwest.org
Michael: 513-205-8291
7:00 PM on the 2nd Wednesday of each month
Greater Cincinnati TCF – East Chapter 1969
8101 Beechmont Avenue, Cincinnati Ohio 45255-3190
Email: tcfcincyeast@gmail.com
Url: http://www.tcfcincy.com
Lindsay: 513- 652-7470
7:00 pm on the 4th Tuesday of each month (except December)
Finding Similarities Through Melodic Connections
Written by Sue Schindler
It was the third Tuesday of the month as I walked into the Melodic Connections studio at 6940 Plainfield Road in Silverton for their 5:30-7:00 PM Common Time community event. Common Time is the brainchild of Executive Director Betsey Zenk Nuseibh, to bring communities together through music.
Melodic Connections Executive Director Betsey Zenk Nuseibh with her son Ollie
Recently inducted into the University of Cincinnati’s College Conservatory of Music (CCM) as 2019 Distinguished Alumni of the year, Betsy is first and foremost a “disrupter” in music and community relations. It showed throughout the evening. Common Time is the culmination of years of “seeing what works” and taking the leap of faith. No one does this better than Betsey. She has the instincts to bring out the best in others as their spirits and confidence shines through.
Having high enthusiasm and anticipation, I wrote down my required purpose for the evening, “Blog Writer.” Purposes are shared at the beginning of the session to begin the overall connections and clearer understanding of each other. Per their website: “When we express ourselves with intentionality, we know we will arrive at a place that is better than before.”
Lynn Migliara, Melodic Connections development director welcomed me, as I entered the huge music studio that easily seats 60 musicians. I was one of the first to sit in a circle that was in the shape of a snail’s shell. It was filled with chairs; music stands and a variety of instruments. Lynn explained that this set-up ensures that everyone is included.
At these events, each member is a “musician.” Instrument selections range from guitars, keyboards, and a variety of percussion instruments. Percussion includes tambourines, hand bells, and egg-shaped shakers to snare & bass drums, to the more exotic: bongos, cabasas, conga drums and drums that mimic the sounds of the rainforests. Musicians are welcome to keep or change instruments as they desire. Those with vocal chops are encouraged to use microphones for singing. The night I attended (just as at each event) we played and sang at our level of expertise.
Lynn eagerly shared that Common Time welcomed Cincinnati Symphonic Orchestra members to one of their first events. Melodic Connections also offers weekly Common Time to Roll Hill Elementary in Fairmount, to increase relationships between its students and their parents as they learn to play guitar, keyboards and drum.
Through 15+ years of professional and personal contact with Betsey, I knew that night would be special. Betsey offered a warm welcome and shouted out 
our purposes for attending. Most wanted to make music and jam. Betsey introduced Common Time’s local musician of the evening, Jim Pelz, who sat in the center of the circle. Jim is a country-rock songwriter and performer who, when he’s not playing solo or with his band, Hickory Robot, sits in other local bands.
Lynn explained that each Common Time Musician of the Month goes through specialized training with Melodic Connections certified music therapists. As the purpose of the evening is community bonding first and foremost, music is fun but not perfect. Per website, “Music is the journey and not a destination.”
As Jim called out our first song, we grabbed our instruments, and were off to a robust start. The positive energy increased throughout the evening especially as more musicians, from young children to older adults, join the circle. Keeping up with finding the songs in the music book was challenging to me, as we covered a wealth of music of different styles and eras. Music ranged from the Beatles’, “Hey Jude,” to the Grateful Dead’s, “Ripple,” to Johnny Cash’s, “Folsom Prison Blues.”
Halfway through, we broke into circles of three. Betsey encouraged us to meet someone new during this time. We talked about what the event’s experience meant to us. My group was the exception of four as a young woman said that she was interested in meeting the musician sitting next to me. She liked his sporty red wheelchair and wanted to know more about him. He smiled and the two continued to talk. Everyone was having so much fun getting to know one another that there was hesitation with going back into the big group. Amy staid next to her new friend as we sang, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”
The History
Melodic Connections, a 501(c3) has provided community musical experiences for more than 2000 individuals in special education classrooms, adult programs, after school classes, summer camps and through off-site partnerships. As a former high school music teacher and music therapist, Betsey started Melodic Connections in 2008 after recognizing that students with disabilities can learn best when provided with alternative supports and teaching methods. Not only does Betsey and her staff of 12 certified music therapists provide community opportunities for her musicians, but she is now connecting the community to the Melodic Connections family through Common Time.
My history with Betsey goes back into early 2000, when she was a Cincinnati Public high school music teacher. As a case worker, we shared a special needs student who has Autism, whose parents tried to home school. Attending this middle & high school was his introduction into public education and a culture shock from being in his small home. This teen was frightened and struggled with focus and learning until Betsey came into the picture. Staff marveled with how easily this music teacher included the teen with the other high school students through playing percussion. Betsey’s skills and attention provided him with first step in focusing and gaining the social and educational skills that he desperately needed.
Throughout our daily lives, we are so involved with our own reactions or insecurities in knowing how to reach out to others that we don’t take the time or effort to know one another. Common Time reinforces that cultural, language, abilities, lifestyles, and/or personal experiences are to be celebrated. On that night, I saw and felt us as “one” group without labels or differences. We were alike in sharing common ground in music and our communications. As time ended, Betsey asked for evening observations. The group comments were, “Joy,” “Happiness,” “Friends,” and “Fun”. As I walked away still talking to others, I knew that I am a better person for this experience. I will return.
Everyone is welcome to join Melodic Connections studio on Tuesday, June 18, 2019 for the next Common Time with local musician, Dan Van Vechten, 9440 Plainfield Road, Cincinnati 45236.
Please visit Melodic Connection’s website for additional information on Common Time, classes and summer opportunities.
The Smile Behind Sharonville
At age 14, Sharonville Council’s First Woman President was running into burning buildings as part of her Explorer Firefighter training.
Sue Schindler has known and respected Vicki Brown Hoppe for a long time, and wanted to share some of Vicki’s story. Below is Sue’s words….
The Smile Behind Sharonville
It’s a warm summer weekend in July. For the past 9 years, the air is wrapped with the sounds of local bands, carnival rides and laughter in Sharonville’s Gower Park. Celebrating its 10th year anniversary on July 26 & 27, 2019, Sharonfest is a “Party with a Purpose” hosting local charities and fundraisers.
Sharonfest, now its own 501c3 nonprofit, grew out of the former Sharonville Fireman’s Festival and is the brainchild of Sharonville’s first woman President of Sharonville Council, Vicki Brown Hoppe. Well- known as a servant leader, this lifetime resident saw Sharonfest as an opportunity to support local charities. Sharonfest is Vicki’s proudest accomplishment (of many) and one that continues to provide fun through fundraising during this 2-day event.
Charities range from Princeton High School’s football team members running rides to hosting a game booth to Princeton City School District’s Board Member, Susan Wyder, promoting the Education Foundation. In addition to food trucks, live bands, and rides & games-for-all ages, Sharonfest is also home to a Saturday Motorcycle Fundraiser where all proceeds go to children’s charities including children’s cancer. 2019’s proceeds will go to Spina Bifida’s Rock and Roll event. New to the 2019 Sharonfest is a 250’ zip line and petting zoo.
Called by Wyder, as, “the glue that holds it all together!” it’s no surprise that Vicki comes from a family of strong community leadership, as demonstrated by her parents having over 50 combined years of coaching Sharonville Youth Organization (SYO) sports. Her father, brother, husband, uncle, father in law, sister in law and brother in law all served on the Sharonville Volunteer Fire Department. Vicki, herself was a member of the Sharonville Fire Department Explorer Post, training with the fireman working at the Fireman’s Festival. She also joined the working ranks as a Sharonville librarian assistant.
When asked why people would want to move to or stay in Sharonville, Vicki replied that she loves the “community feel” and unique businesses within 10-square miles. “We have a wonderful, diverse school district with all kinds of opportunities to meet people who are uniquely different. Not everyone is the ‘same.’ Our parks, recreation, Police and Fire services and our public works are second to none. Over 35 years, Sharonville has no property taxes. These opportunities ‘make people want to live here'”, she said.
As President of Sharonville Council, Vicki sets Sharonville policies & procedures and council committees and oversees council meetings. She shares that she has a special place in her heart for Veterans and has been involved with seeing over 125 Veterans receive their high school diplomas through the Veteran’s Day Graduation program at Princeton during her tenure with the district.
Vicki started her public service as a PTA president. She suggests to those seeking public service, “Don’t be afraid to get involved.” Serve on boards or committees, and talk to your mayor about vacancies. Come to council meetings. We have 1 person who attends, and council wants to hear from more.” Volunteer for festivals. Vicki points out that 15 families volunteer to make Sharonfest happen and recently received a Good Neighbor Award from Mayor Kevin Hardman for their tireless efforts. Vicki was nominated to run for council at large in 2006 with no looking back.
Whether running a council meeting, participating in Memorial or Veteran’s Day activities, visiting a local school or ensuring that families and organizations have needed support, Vicki is there for her Sharonville community. She definitely makes Sharonvillians smile.
Welcome Sue Schindler, To GTGA!
I am thrilled to announce that my dear friend Sue Schindler is going to be contributing to Good Things Going Around! Sue has such a special, giving heart. We first met many years ago when we both worked for an organization called the Inclusion Network, that 
promoted the inclusion of people with disabilities. Sue and I are also in the Toast of the Town of Kenwood Toastmasters Club. If you have followed my blog for awhile, you may have read several of her speeches that I posted. You can see them at this link. I was really touched when Sue wanted to help with Good Things Going Around. I’m looking forward to reading her contributions!
Below is Sue’s introduction in her own words:
“When Lisa Desatnik approached me about writing for her blog, I was beyond thrilled! As someone who had a high passion for writing while in high school & college, I had packed away this yearning while allowing life to get in the way. I’m grateful for this second chance of pursing something that I really want to do.
What strikes me most about Lisa’s blog, Good Things Going Around, is that I immediately smile when reading. I want to know more about “that person” and what makes them special. Everyone has a story to tell, and Lisa does this in such an interesting way. In a world that can be mean-spirited and negative, Lisa sees the good and greatness in life and others.
I look at myself as a lifetime learner. I am curious about life, how things work, and most of all-people. I’ve even taken time to be current with technology through Microsoft Suite. As someone who has lived through the dial-up computer, it’s exhilarating to have so much information at hand. However, I see how we’ve lost connectedness at the same time. I want to create stories that leave readers wanting more information. Stories that they continue reading until the end and want to talk about.
Throughout my life, I’ve loved hearing stories about others. Good Things Going Around is my opportunity to allow others to see their own uniqueness and wisdom. It’s a way to create smiles in our readers hopefully leaving them with wanting more.”
~Sue Schindler
